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Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses themes of domestic violence and abuse.

Colleen Hoover’s “It Ends With Us” is more than just a gripping novel; it’s a poignant exploration of the complexities and struggles faced by survivors of domestic violence. The book’s narrative sheds light on the harsh realities of abusive relationships, the emotional turmoil involved, and the difficult choices that survivors must make. It is now being made into a movie opening next week. As readers or movie goers, it’s essential to acknowledge talking about domestic violence is important and also acknowledge that Hoover’s book sends a message of victim blaming. CCCNH strongly believes that is never an appropriate response. Instead, we must learn how to offer genuine support in trauma-informed ways.

Survivors of domestic violence often face a myriad of emotional, psychological, and physical challenges. These can include fear, guilt, shame, and a deep sense of loyalty or love for their abuser. Additionally, practical concerns such as financial dependency, children, and lack of support systems can complicate their decisions.

In “It Ends With Us,” we see the protagonist, Lily, grappling with her love for Ryle and the realization of his abusive behavior. Her journey is a testament to the internal conflicts many survivors face. It’s crucial to understand that leaving an abusive relationship is not just about walking out the door; it’s about overcoming numerous barriers and making incredibly difficult decisions.

Victim blaming occurs when the survivor is held responsible for the abuse they experience. This can manifest in questions like, “Why didn’t you leave?” or statements such as, “You should have known better.” Such responses are not only insensitive but also harmful. They undermine the survivor’s experience and add to their emotional burden.

Victim blaming perpetuates the cycle of abuse by shifting the focus away from the abuser’s actions and placing undue responsibility on the survivor. It creates an environment where survivors feel isolated and less likely to seek help or share their experiences.

At CCCNH we listen without judgment and offer a safe space for survivors to share their stories. Listening actively and empathetically without interrupting or passing judgment is essential in providing support to the individuals who seek our services. Phrases like, “I believe you,” and “Thank you for trusting me with your story,” can be incredibly affirming.

Additionally, advocates also validate their feelings by acknowledging the survivor’s emotions and experiences by saying, “It’s okay to feel that way,” or “What you’re feeling is completely understandable.”

Beyond emotional support, CCCNH helps survivors access resources such as shelters, hotlines, legal assistance, and counseling services. Our advocates offer to accompany them to appointments or help with tasks that might be overwhelming.

But most importantly we respect survivors’ autonomy. We support survivors in making their own decisions, even if it is not the choice we hope they would make. It’s important to empower them to regain control over their lives. Statements like, “We are here to support you no matter what decision you make,” are crucial.

As we think about how the media, Hollywood and even society portrays survivors, we ask that you take time to learn about domestic violence and trauma. Understanding the dynamics of abuse and the impact of trauma can help you provide more effective and compassionate support to a friend, family member, colleague or anyone who discloses to you. Healing is a long and non-linear process. Be patient and consistent in your support. Let the survivor know you’re there for them, no matter how long it takes.

Survivors of domestic violence often face incredibly tough choices. Some may decide to leave their abusers, while others may choose to stay for various reasons. It’s essential to respect and support their decisions without pressuring them. Each survivor’s situation is unique, and they are the best judge of what is safest and most feasible for them.

In “It Ends With Us,” Lily’s ultimate decision to end the cycle of abuse in her life is both empowering and heart-wrenching. Her story is a powerful reminder that survivors need support, understanding, and respect, no matter what choices they make.

“It Ends With Us” is a compelling narrative that highlights the importance of supporting survivors of domestic violence with compassion and without judgment. By understanding the complexities survivors face and providing trauma-informed support, we can help them navigate their journey toward healing and empowerment. Remember, victim blaming has no place in our responses—only empathy, respect, and unwavering support can make a difference.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please reach out to local resources such as the Crisis Center of Central NH or the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help and support. Together, we can create a world where survivors are supported and empowered to live free from abuse. To reach a confidential advocate at CCCNH, please call our 24/7 hotline at 866-841-6229.